Metaphorically Wrapping Myself in Bubble Wrap

Quick note about why I've been MIA lately...

Has anyone ever planned anything in such detail that they feel their brain may explode? I have been planning this London trip so meticulously that I am getting sick of planning and just ready to do it! But I have to admit and can't deny, that I am quite nervous but also excited to start this new chapter of my life. I'm corny and I always look at everything in my life symbolically. Being able to do this trip means a lot to me because it signifies the sheer determination I've had to pave my own path and come this far. There's always the possibility that, worst case, I can't do it. I can't finish and I have to move home. In any case, I don't think I'd allow myself to get that bad but mentally, I've dealt with the possibility and am prepared.

BUT, if for some reason, there is some other crazy lunatic with rare and chronic pain who happens to stumble across this page and is planning on moving to another country to study for their masters, I have discovered more things from global health insurance down to using paper plates instead to dishes to lighten your load in my course of planning. I am still generally feeling very overwhelmed right now and eventually plan to write out everything I've discovered when it is in fact actually successful. I hope to continue writing for HuffPost once I get some more writing inspiration when I am moved and settled in. I am prepared for this first month abroad to be hectic and most likely painful. I am taking every little thing that could potentially go wrong and think of at least 5 back up alternatives coordinating to the severity of pain. (The following really isn't in any major order--just ideas I've brainstormed that never would've occurred to me before I actually put time into thinking about it.)

ie. dishes
1. one pot meals/secret pinterest board for quick healthy meals with minimal clean up
2. tall chair at the sink to sit
3. take breaks, let dishes soak over night
4. use paper plates, cups, silverware
5. takeout

(This is just how my brain works now.) Solutions to dumb things no one thinks about--unless you have chronic pain. Since I've been diagnosed, I am not used to doing chores so it's something I've worked on with trainers, OTs and sought out the advice of others in support groups online. I don't even know how it happens but every day, for hours (with some periodic Instagramming), I am generally working on this move.

I keep telling everyone for now, I am metaphorically wrapping myself in bubble wrap. I am desperately trying to keep my life stress free, organized, not exercising too hard training, from trying any new drugs or therapies and that is NOT an easy feat-- ie. "You may have SIBO, you should do x test and follow x diet and go on x antibiotics" but it's happening all the time. I am also very concerned my doctors in London may be pretentious and try and change everything from therapies, to drugs to diagnoses. Right now I am comfortable with what I've got and I'm generally getting better, but I anticipate a lot of arguments with doctors. Finally had a medical team here in the States that mostly just let me do what I want and for anyone reading this that knows me, knows I work best that way. I have heard from other people with EDS that many of the medications I take will be strictly limited to me in England and only provided through IV or "in crisis".

As of now, I am staying zen and confident with all this planning, that things will work out if I am smart, don't panic and stand my ground.

xx, E

PS. I'm 99% sure you will enjoy this video.

PPS.

What I do for...

It's good to know what your options are when you're in pain and not thinking straight. Now that I'm starting to be able to manage my pain better and perpetuating factors (like IBS, PMS, hypoglycemia, etc.) I am slowly coming up with a good list of how to normalize my body as much as humanly possible. Sometimes when spasms or nausea/dizziness is unbearable and all else fails, I just drug myself enough to sleep through it. Sleep is so important. Do what you have to do to get whatever kind of sleep you need! For me, it's priority numero uno. And keep calm! My pain used to make me panic--now I'm easy breezy and it makes things go a lot smoother (and I make more rational decisions).

...muscle spasms/trigger points

• Muscle relaxants/benzos (like Ativan)
• Moist Heat
• Mixture of heat and cold (10 min heat, 10 min cold, 10 min off, repeat)
• Theracane
• China Gel/Custom pain salve (made on Etsy by a friend) of essential oils
• CBD gummies  (these help in conjunction with drugs, but not much on their own)
• Compression top
• Trigger point injections/medical acupuncture 
• Foam roller

...joint pain

• 800mg Ibuprofen (strong NSAID, ie. Toradol) 
• Bracing (I use ankle braces and EDS splint rings for my knuckles)
• Epsom salt baths 
• Flexiseq Gel (arthritis gel) 
• Comfort U Body Pillow
• Massage 
• Chiropractic work 

*Something I have started doing now that I have a few drugs that work for me is taking it before if I know I'll have a hard day or the second it comes on. The last few weeks, my pain has been a lot more controlled doing this. Usually I have a mixture of joint pain and spasms, so I take a muscle relaxant like Metaxalone and 800mg Ibuprofen and that has been helping me. I also finally got around to keeping a pill box one me for when I'm out and crisis strikes. Stay ahead of it. 

...vertigo/lightheadedness/nausea

• sublingual Zofran
• CLIF shot bloks  (Margarita flavor--high in salt)
• Compression cooling eye mask (also for migraines)

#themoreyouknow

I will add to this list as I think of more things. If anyone has any questions, please message me! 

Wrote A Piece for HerCampus!

Check it out here! And please share.

Here it is:

Her Story: A Chronic Pain Disorder Took Everything Away From Me

On June 20, 2013, the first pain specialist I had ever seen told me, “You are entering the beginning stages of the world of chronic pain.” And I bawled my eyes out.

Backtrack to eight months prior: I had just graduated from the Fashion Institute of Technology in New York City with a degree in International Fashion Merchandising with honors. I was styling for major magazines and celebrities, and I landed my dream job for a major designer doing sourcing, product development and production. I was one of the rare few that genuinely enjoyed my job. I loved what I did and wouldn’t have traded it for the world.

A few months after I began working, I became obsessed with the position. I was a total workaholic, and at some point, I completely stopped taking care of myself. I was no longer eating well, exercising or even sleeping. I got to the point where all I was doing was working, showering and ordering take-out every night. I stopped seeing my friends and tried to nap in my limited spare time. When February 2013 rolled around, it all came to an abrupt halt.

I woke up one Sunday morning in February that I will never forget: I couldn’t move my neck without an excruciating pain radiating down through my shoulders. I was transferred to the Emergency Care Unit of Hospital of Joint Diseases at NYU.

Little happened at the ER, aside from being pumped up with hard painkillers, anti-inflammatories and muscle relaxants. I was still vomiting by the time I was discharged. I was then sent to a myriad of doctors who tried to figure out what was wrong with me. Some had ideas (that were wrong), treated me for their diagnoses and ended up discharging me, telling me I was crazy or that the symptoms were all in my head. This happened several times.  

It got worse. The pain continued to travel down my back, the sides of my spine, through my neck—it was excruciating. To add even more devastation to the pain I was experiencing, I was forced to leave my beloved life in Manhattan. My paid disability leave ran out at my job and the lease on my perfect East Village apartment ended. I had to leave my dream job, pack up my apartment, and say goodbye to all my friends, then move home to Pennsylvania with my parents indefinitely. I was a mess. I was 23 years old and felt like my life was spiraling out of control.

At that point, I couldn’t even sit down for 10 minutes without crying from the pain. If I took a car ride for more than 30 minutes, I had to make a bed in the backseat to lie down. I couldn’t drive. I didn’t have friends at home. I was insanely depressed and was alone most of the time, essentially on house arrest because of the pain for months at a time. Brain fog from pain was so bad that I couldn’t concentrate on anything. I was rapidly gaining weight. I couldn’t cook for myself. I was so poked and prodded from so many blood tests from all of the different doctors that I looked like a drug addict. As I recently learned, I have metabolic issues with most drugs, so trying all of the new meds I was being prescribed by these doctors constantly made me break out in then-unexplainable rashes, vomit, and I’d get dizzy to the point of being unable to stand.

After seeing rheumatologists, GPs, physiatrists, PTs, sports medicine doctors, geneticists, neurologists, pain specialists, endocrinologists, and orthopedic surgeons, I was still not getting anything useful from anyone. I had a posse of residents following me around the hospital and calling me 24/7 to ask me questions. Nurses would make little cracks about “Erica and her entourage.” 

I was in so much pain that I was willing to try anything, including hypnotists and private meditation counselors. But it was finally decided that I had tried enough, and the only step left was to go to Johns Hopkins Hospital. I managed to get an appointment with the top pain specialist in the country, and in July of 2013, he diagnosed me with Chronic Myofascial Pain Syndrome, Hypermobility-Type Ehlers Danlos Syndrome and hypothyroidism. With these diagnoses he told me, as gently as he could, that there was a good chance it would never get better, and that there was a serious possibility I might never work again.

This ignited in me some serious determination. I told myself that I would get better no matter what and that some day, no matter what it took, I would work again. After rounds of new (more effective) drugs, physical therapy and weekly trigger point injections, I started to (finally! miraculously!) make some improvements. It wasn’t an easy feat. This strategy was absurdly taxing, both emotionally and physically. Everything was painful, but I very slowly improved.

I now get trigger point injections every month, and I work with a personal trainer that specializes in chronic pain, massage, reiki, therapy, chiropractic work and acupuncture on a regular basis.

I decided the best way to get my career back on track would be to attend a short masters program to show potential employers that I am still both relevant and capable. I also knew that a masters program would be an easier transition back to work after being mostly immobile for three years. I have always been an all-or-nothing kind of gal, so I decided to apply to a competitive one-year masters program at London College of Fashion to study Fashion Design Management with my focus on sustainability and ethical design practice. I knew it was unlikely, but I also knew I would kick myself for not at least trying to follow my dreams after such a painful and depressing time-out from my beloved career in Manhattan, which felt like a lifetime ago.

To my delight, I was accepted! With the most accessible and generous disability accommodations available, I will be moving to London and attending LCF in the fall and I have to admit, I am pretty damn proud of myself.

Not many people can relate to all of this. The fear, the immaculate planning, the general anxiety, the stuff you have to put up with from doctors and the judgment from people in general. I lost many good friends in this process—even people I thought I was really close to. The last two years have been gruesome, not just physically but psychologically. Watching all of your friends grow in their professions and their relationships—their lives overall, really—is hard to watch from your bed.

The coming year will undoubtedly be full of challenges and obstacles. Sometimes I feel like that’s what my life has become—a constant battle between what my mind wants and the more limited capabilities of my body. Prioritizing the things you want to do with the things you can do can be hard. But I can’t give this up. I will find a way to make it work.

Yesterday, I spent an entire day under observation at the doctor's office.

Yesterday, my mom and I spent an entire day with my doctor at Hopkins (and stayed overnight) so I could try my last and final pain killer for breakthrough pain. 

It didn't go well. 

I tried sublingual buprenorphine (which is pretty much just sublingual morphine equivalent). We thought it was a good idea because it was mixed with naloxone (supposed to help with some of the pain killer side effects) and thought the sublingual would dodge my digestive track. Boy, were we wrong. 

The first hour was great. But after, within minutes, I started feeling insanely dizzy, nauseous, itchy and sweaty.

It progressively got worse. I physically couldn't move or lift my head up. If I did I would throw up, which happened a few times. I had to keep my eyes closed because the room was spinning.

I hadn't eaten or drinken anything since 7 AM, when we left in the morning. I should also mention I am hypoglycemic, adding onto the problems I was currently having, I was on the verge of fainting at any time. My doctor and I had some back and forth. We didn't know how long the drug would stay active in my system and I needed IV fluid and a Zofran drip. I also couldn't physically stand or sit up and the idea of stretcher seemed really good, but I ultimately decided not to, for fear that some dumb doctor I didn't know would try and pump me with more drugs I couldn't handle, so my mom went out to get my a wheelchair, I vomited the whole way to the hotel and just focused on not dying.

At 10 PM, my mom got me Chick-fil-a (which I normally would be against given the LGBT platform) but it was the first thing I ate all day and I just wanted a god damn chicken sandwich. And it was delicious.

My Shitty Experience With Taking Drugs for Pain (As Told Through Chronic Illness Cat Memes)

Over the last two years, I've made it pretty clear that I have a love/hate (pretty much all hate and no love) relationship with drugs.

Not sure why my body hates me, but like everything else, it's something I'm slowly getting to the bottom of.

Just in the last year and a half, these most of the drugs I've tried. (Please note under any normal circumstance would I ever be posting my drug medical history, but a lot of people with fibromyalgia/EDS/MPS/MCAD --everything I have-- usually has sensitivities and intolerances to a lot of things.)

Drugs with an * behind them show that I had side effects. Drugs with multiple * mean I probably thought I was dying. 

Side note: I was dumb and didn't write down what they were. 

If they are on the list without an * it means they didn't give me side effects but didn't help.

*Note: I know some of these are not in the right categories. I took this right from the notes in my phone.

Anti inflammatory:
Mobic
Celebrex
Flector patch
Naproxen

Muscle relaxers:
Soma
Flexeril
Robaxin
Tramadol*
Tizanidine**
Neurontin/gabapentin*

Benzo's:
Valium
Xanax
Ativan* tolerance
Klonopin

Sleeping pills:
Lunesta *
Ambien - 10 mg with phenergan 50 mg
Sonata*

Anti nausea:
Phenergan- must eat with food, 50 mg in combo with ambien 10 mg

Pain killers:
Vicodin *****
Tramadol*****
Percocet**** 
Hydramorphone***

Cymbalta***
OxyContin****
Nucynta ****
Opana****

Morphine****

Antidepressants:
Wellbutrin***
Zoloft *
Lexapro *
Amiytriptyline****
Lyrica***
Prozac *
Doxepin****

Misc:
Tylenol
Advil
Aleve
Ibuprofen
Medrol dosepak
Capsaicin cream
Benedryl
Melatonin

So, doctor friends/family (or anyone with common sense), you can start see the relationship of general categories that weren't working my favor. I know there are more drugs to add, I just can't even remember what they are. I have irrational fears about going to the ER because doctors will probably just give me painkillers anyway. My PCP has actually told me when I need to go to the ER I shouldn't go to the ER.

As I'm sure you can sense from this list, I don't really have much to take in the way of pain at all. Especially break through pain. These are the questions I am asked the most about. The only things I can take and try to take as little as possible are Toradol (an intense NSAID that rots in your GI tract--I get LECTURES FROM EVERYONE about taking this--you're not supposed to use it for longer than 5 days after surgery), Ativan (which I previously had a mild addiction/withdrawal from) and Robaxin. The last two I take in conjunction with Ibuprofen. Most of the time, these kind of take the edge of. 

With really bad pain, nothing does. And trust me, there have been times in nights of desperation with really bad that I'm almost desperate enough to try more painkillers but ultimately logic strikes and pass on it. I end up just trying to drug myself enough to pass out. This seems like the best solution (other than throwing myself off a bridge or trying to convince someone to take a hammer to my head).

I have a whole pharmacy of drugs at my house. 

I have a several giant boxes of all the drugs I've tried. Slowly I'm starting to get rid of all of them. Or do this. (Because I think it'd be hilarious.)

I also use heat/cold, China Gel, TENS unit, compression wear, a custom pain salve made from essential oils, trigger point/foam rollers, my U shape body pillow, epsom salt baths, food (hence the weight gain), etc. (Almost all these things can be found through various posts with links on my site.)

You may be asking yourself "Erica, were painkillers really that bad?" and my answer to that would be "Yes, yes they were." Here's a few things that would happen when I took pain killers or antidepressants:

1. extreme nausea 
2. perpetual vomiting 
3. throat closing/trouble breathing
4. rashes
5. hives
6. rapid heart beat
7. extreme dizziness (to the point that I couldn't stand)
8. feel like bugs were crawling all over me
9. ridiculously bad IBS
10. more spasms
11. dry mouth
12. blurred vision
13. headaches
14. night sweats/nightmares

When I went to see my geneticist at GBMC, we could tell some of these were allergic reactions and some were something else, so she ordered me a Genelex Youscript Test. It's a pricey one, but luckily my insurance covered it. It's a swab cheek test that analyzes how well you metabolize certain drugs. It's very confusing to read, even for most doctors but a lot of the reps there are very good at explaining to the least science-y person ever. But, no surprise, I was an "intermediate metabolizer"/slow metabolizer for the phenotype that includes many painkillers and antidepressants. According to the Youscript site, this is the definition of an intermediate metabolizer:

• Intermediate Metabolizer. An intermediate-metabolizing enzyme is considered to be less active. It doesn’t break down a drug as completely as a normal metabolizer, which means you might require a lower dose. A lower dose prevents the unmetabolized drug from building up in your body and possibly causing side effects.
• Poor Metabolizer. A poor-metabolizing enzyme has very low activity. It is possible to have side effects even with a very low drug dose, because the enzyme is very slow to break down the drug.

Generally, once most doctors find out you're an intermediate metabolizer  (if they even know WTF it means) they will never prescribe any drugs that fall into that category. It's hard based off the information they give you form the results to figure out what are intermediate metabolizers and what aren't. The service from for Youscript told me with my results, if I took something that was an intermediate metabolizer for me over a decent period of time, most of the drug would stay in my system since it wouldn't be digested and become toxic to me, even resulting a potential stroke. Now I have software by Youscript where I can plug in all my meds I'm on with the meds I want to try and see if there are interactions or if they a bad metabolizer for me. It's getting to be a little too much fun for me. 

Having the kind of pain I have with no meds is really hard sometimes. I have to go the "natural" way out of force. Most people that have the same diagnosis and pain I have are on SERIOUS meds (like morphine 24/7). If I had drugs that worked my days would be a lot less limited and I wouldn't have nearly as many sleeping problems if I had something to help my pain at night. Then, I wouldn't need to be on Ambien. I'm at the point where I've pretty much tried everything and not much is left except medical marijuana, which although I am not a smoker, I would try it if it helped. I am willing to try anything as long as it doesn't kill me. 

I am also looking into a Butrans patch. It is an opiate but it would be a patch so it would enter through skin systemically. I wouldn't be *thrilled* about being in pain killers 24/7 like I would with this patch, but I really think, if it actually helps, it would improve my quality of life. I don't really have much of one right now, so I'm still really trying. 

One thing I am very excited about is a product called Quell I ordered. It is a wearable pain relief system that you wear around the top of your calf. It uses some kind of neurotechnology to send signals to the brain through electric waves to change your pain path. There's a chance it wouldn't work, but it's worth trying. It can even tell when you're sleeping and you can adjust accordingly with a compatible iPhone app. Hopefully it'll arrive in June! 

PS. I found this "chronic pain workout" and I really enjoyed it, so I am sharing it here.

Moral of the Story: Don't be a dick.

In the last day or so, a friend of a friend of a friend (I know, long connection) reached out because she was concerned she may have EDS and needed someone to talk to. So, I gave her some advice and sent her a few links to things I thought may be helpful. She decided to post one of the links I sent on her site and asked a follow up question regarding one of the questions. After I wrote my feedback, one of her friends wrote back on it "Hypochondriac, yes."

(This is the link--it actually is helpful, but poorly translated from a Chilean rheumatologist.Yes, some of it is probably a little bit of a stretch but a lot of things on this site I was examined for by my geneticist. It is pretty legit. http://zebrasoup.me/2012/07/27/when-to-suspect-eds-iii/)

Let me just say, I never purposefully try to come across as a bitch. But once shots are fired and when it comes to my medical conditions, I will verbally rip you apart. I have mentally and physically undergone too much shit to just sit here while people go on thinking nothing they say has repercussions or comes across as offensive to people.

I know I'm sensitive to this kind of stuff and whether people know or not they are fueling a fire within me, I just can't help but think what kind of a person you are if you feel the need to comment on a Facebook friend's post about a life-altering condition and make her (or me) feel even shittier about it.

I'm not sure how comfortable I would ever be with sharing my medical conditions on Facebook..(I don't feel like it's most of my FB friends' business and they aren't entitled to know. I write my blog for friends/family and other people with chronic pain. It's all I care about. I don't feel like someone I haven't talked to from high school needs to know what's happening to me.)

But, I feel like mocking someone with a painful condition is just about one of the douchiest things you can do so I have no problem being mean to someone who genuinely deserves be called out. Don't get me wrong, I genuinely try to make an effort to be nice to people (even people I don't like) and I never try to "start" anything but kindness has its limits and so do I.

Maybe that person will think twice about what they say to people. I am the first to admit I can be a bit hot headed and sometimes am a little too excited when I come out of an argument with my opponent in tears, but seriously people, back off. (I am also in the midst of a ridiculous flare that I've had the last few days, so that knocks any tolerance I would've had to this BS out the window.)

Noted to all non-chronic pain sufferers: do not f*&$ with someone in pain. It won't end well for you. I've seen it happen to other people from chronic pain people. We are not a group to be messed with. 

I went to fashion school, I have a tough skin and I'm used to dealing with petty people so I can shake it off but I can't help but feel bad for this poor girl and watch her experience (as a relatively new chronic pain sufferer) and see someone be so mean for no reason for something she's really struggling with. When I first started having pain, I was so beside myself and feeling so vulnerable that I would just break down crying every time I felt like someone slighted me with their ignorance.

Maybe I'm in the process and stages of grieving with what's happened to me, but I don't think I'll ever be the kind of person to just brush people off without putting my two cents in first.

I feel like the moral of every social related post I've been writing lately has been "Don't be a dick." but somehow it just keeps happening. Ain't nobody got time for that.

I also apologize if this post was slightly aggressive. I could blame it on drugs, but that would be a lie. I swear some people just bring out the crazy.

PS. I plan on getting a new opiate patch tomorrow when I get injections which could either miraculously help me or send me to the ER, but what else is new? Such is life. 

Why Telling Someone Who's Sick "It's like you're on vacation." Is Never Okay

Ah, the naïveté of the "normal".

First, let me just say that referring to my (or anyone else's for that matter) medical leave as "getting a break" or "being on vacation" is straight up dumb. To the outsider, I'm sure it seems like I'm probably doing nothing all the time, but it is quite the contrary.

I would love to be on vacation. But guess what? Even when I would get a vacation, I don't think I would ever actually be on one, if that makes sense. I would love to temporarily (or permanently, obvs) remove myself from my pain and perpetuating factors to actually relax, enjoy myself and not feel uncomfortable. That would be awesome. When I will fly to London, I will now have a wheelchair, special accommodations and seating, extra drugs, carry ons, etc. Planning this flight alone has been exhausting/pain in the ass.

Like today, for example, my pain and GI issues were so bad that I have been nauseous, dizzy and spasming all day. I heard the weather was nice. I wouldn't know since I didn't get to leave the house. And more often than not, this happens pretty frequently. And, like I've said many times before, I have pretty much no medication to help with my pain.

"Normal" people---when you have the worst kind of flu for 2 weeks, do you truly feel like you got a break or had a vacation? I would imagine between the fatigue, muscle aches, nausea/vomiting, fevers, etc. that you would probably say no. Keep that in mind when you're talking to someone with chronic pain.

To be honest, through all the hard work I put in before having to move home--between working, school, internships, etc. this is single-handedly the most exhausting full time job I've ever had. Even things that used to be enjoyable (ie. going out with friends, actual vacations, dating) are just stressful and generally miserable. Most of the time, physically, I am miserable.

Rant over.

Beta Blockers AKA God's Gift To Everyone with Adrenaline Issues

This month has been stressful, there's no denying it.

The one underlying theme of this month is "Will I ever fucking learn to tone it down?" How is it possible I ALWAYS over do it?

 Now that I'm healing nicely from my breast reduction (there will be a post on this later), I am prepping for my move abroad for my MA. Now, normally, you would think preparing for school wouldn't be THAT big a task and I've also come to realize most people with Chronic Myofascial Pain, Fibromyalgia, Ehlers Danlos, etc. don't ever just MOVE ABORAD.

Sometimes I feel like I'm insane for doing this. Or maybe brilliant. Either way, it requires a lot of god damn meticulous planning. (This will also be a separate post--I'm backed up, I know! I'll be on this coming month.)

But, with my overambitious tendencies, my ability to continue to "over do it" had been in full throttle this month. My calendar was ridiculous. Somehow, I was acquiring multiple doctors appointments every day, on top of every other daily or semi-daily task that needed to be done. My anxiety was getting really bad.

 Sounds silly and trivial, but I promise going from doing literally nothing for two years but laying down and watching The Simpsons to being out all day, every day is A LOT. People don't understand the amount of energy I expend just trying to keep up with everyone and myself, ironically. I started getting cranky (read as: bitchy) and pain kicked in--I hated the world.

I'm getting better at for a few reasons.

Not trying to share my whole life and routine with the world but as you can see, I am starting to schedule myself "BREAK DAYS". No matter what, I am not allowing myself to schedule appointments or do anything overly tasking on these days. The productive part of me hates myself for it, but ultimately I need this. 

Reiki seems like a ridiculous thing to do but calmed me down to the point that when I left I felt like I just took the best nap ever (which is hard to come by when you have chronic pain) and was literally drooling uncontrollably. This isn't something I would do weekly, but probably monthly or just whenever I needed it. 

But, finally to the subject: beta blockers. A few years ago, my therapist suggested I had adrenaline based stress. A lot of people have questions about this with me. The best way I can explain it is because of the stretchiness from the EDS (that effects everything), my veins are so stretchy that when I'm stressed, mad, sad, happy, pretty much feeling anything, my adrenaline runs wild. I am definitely an adrenaline junkie. But my heart rate is also ridiculous. Last time it was taken down at Hopkins, it was 115 and I wasn't even feeling that stressed! 

So, FINALLY, my doctor let me try beta blockers (helps control the adrenaline) and my heart rate has been resting at 81. It doesn't feel as racy and it definitely takes a nice chunk of the edge off. I shockingly have no side effects from it either. #blessed

But, between the reiki, break days and Metoprolol (beta blockers) I am starting to finally calm down. My pain is better. Moving to Europe still feels daunting but not in the way where you'd find me in the corner of my room crying.